Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I lost the right to judge tonight
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
