Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I want a musical about memes.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
