I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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