You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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