I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
