o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize