my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
