Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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