I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
