my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
