I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
