you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
