I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
