New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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