During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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