If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
