I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
