She's JV to your varsity
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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