My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
What a dumb baby whore.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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