wakey wakey hands off snakey
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
