you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
