Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
