4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize