every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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