maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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