I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
