dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
