Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
