well I can't set my house on fire every night
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
