Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
