I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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