I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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