I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Soap is not a condiment
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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