mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize