dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
