and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
