dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
