Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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