Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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