I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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