i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
