Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize