Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
How does one acquire holy water?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
