I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
