gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
