Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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