I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You left your phone here
Wait...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
