probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
