Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
