Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
