he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
