You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
