The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
