tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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