Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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