I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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