On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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