The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
