Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
