____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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