Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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