dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
